I feel yucky.
Those were the words I told my friend when she asked me why I work as much as I do. I couldn’t find a better way to describe this feeling of uneasiness I get when I am not being productive, a feeling like I am unworthy.
Why is it that I have been brainwashed by this capitalistic mentality wherein my productivity = my worth? For those of you who have the good fortune to not be pricked by these thoughts, how have you done it so far?
I am now at a stage wherein if I am not constantly moving, I can feel myself going mad. I used to not give a shit, mind you. I used to be able to binge watch 2 seasons of a show in day, guilt-free. Now however, I feel like some kind of police will come and fine me for slacking off. A month or two ago, I was working so much that I burned myself out. The worst part? I enjoyed it. I derived some sort of sick satisfaction from being so worn out that I could barely manage to get out of bed. At least this way, I figured, I could rest guilt-free.
I for one, blame the pandemic. Like anything and everything that went wrong in the year 2020, none of it is actually our fault. It is all the fault of the slowly decaying world. I do also blame LinkedIn. You see, during the lockdown, I had reached a point where I had squeezed out all I could from your conventional sources of social media, that the only place left for me to explore was LinkedIn. So, I created a profile and connected with my peers to see what it was that they were doing to relieve themselves of boredom. And boy oh boy, was that a mistake. I was faced with wave after wave of people who had utilised this pandemic as “an opportunity to better themselves.” So that naturally made me, a person who slept 14 hours a day and spent the rest 10 hours doing absolutely nothing, lesser. A friend of mine recently said something about the website which I think accurately sums it up –
LinkedIn makes you feel like life is a race, when it really isn’t.
What a toxic environment to suddenly find yourself in the midst of.
I still go on it regularly.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming anyone who has been using this lockdown to their advantage. I mean truly, good for you. Bad however, for my mental health. Marx once said that labour is the source of wealth. Well, Karl, buddy, I for one do not feel wealthy. In this fight to overthrow the bourgeois or whatever bullshit we’ve been fed in order to make us get up of our asses, they have taken the only thing that is of any import to us, our sanity.
I would like a refund please, thanks.